


Wish that you were here

by Mest489



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, Love, M/M, Past Character Death, Songfic, Title from a Florence + the Machine Song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 03:34:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15699318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mest489/pseuds/Mest489
Summary: Were a song is the best catalyst for memories





	Wish that you were here

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, I haven't been posting lately, and that is for a couple of reasons, one of them is that I been feeling down lately, out of rhythm, and lacking joy. I promise I'm going to continue with the 'This craving series' as soon as I have time, and get out of my funk, but in the meantime please bear with me.  
> Having said that, I rediscovered this beautiful song by Florence + the Machine, and I knew I needed to write something including my two favorite boys, being down myself I did make it a little angsty, but it all ends well.  
> Hope you like it.  
> XO Mest489

_I've tried to leave it all behind me_  
_But I woke up and there they were beside me_  
_And I don't believe it but I guess it's true_  
_Some feelings, they can travel too_  
_Oh there it is again, sitting on my chest_  
_Makes it hard to catch my breath_  
_I scramble for the light to change_  
_You're always on my mind_  
_You're always on my mind_

 

He was studying in Annapolis to become what his father always wanted him to be, that was one of the reasons he was here after all, he had options –albeit a limited pool- but between his mother’s death, and his father distancing himself, he thought that choosing what he knew would make John proud was the better option, if John didn’t want Steve to be near him, then at least he would be pleased enough to let him be a part of his life.

  
And when did he started to refer to his dad as John? Maybe it was when he figured that his father lost everything he loved when that car exploded, or when he couldn’t look them in the eyes after their mother was buried, how he left them to their own devices to mourn his wife’s death as if there was nothing more left to care, or when he send them away for they reminded him too much of her.

  
And it’s not fair – he knows that- to judge his father so harshly, but he lost something fundamental that day too, he lost a mother, and that could never be replaced, at least not for them, his dad, he could re-marry, but Marie-Ann and him, they would never get back what was robbed from them, how could he be so selfish, he left them when they needed him the most, and now here he is, breaking his back trying to become a man in an institution where he was viewed as an asset more so than an individual, and all of this just so he could have what was once his.

 

_And I never minded being on my own_  
_Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home_  
_To be where you are_  
_But even closer to you, you seem so very far_  
_And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing_  
_And I hope it gets to you on some_ pacific _wind_  
_Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear_  
_Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here_

 

When he graduated he send his father a letter explaining the circumstances, because he was the best in all of the graduating classes he was to be decorated for that high achievement, he also explained to him that if he couldn’t come the administration told him that he could transfer his paperwork back to Hawaii for him to be home for his graduation in order for his family to attend, it wouldn’t be that much of a problem, just a lot of paperwork and some rigorous planning, but nothing undoable, he told his father that he really wanted for him to attend, he left out that he being there would’ve made all the hard training, blood, sweat and silent tears he shed at night be worth something, that he longed for his recognition, and that the only thing he wanted more than the academy’s honor was his love.

  
He didn’t receive a letter in return, he had to find out through the people of the administration that his father informed them he wouldn’t be able to attend the ceremony even if he was in Hawaii, so it didn’t make sense for him to put the administrating officers through all the hassle, that is was better for Steve to stay where he was.  
That was the last time he tried to include himself in his father’s life.

 

_And if I stay home, I don't know_  
_There'll be so much that I'll have to let go_  
_You're disappearing all the time_  
_But I still see you in the light_  
_For you, the shadows fight_  
_And it's beautiful but there's that tug in the sight_  
_I must stop time traveling, you're always on my mind_  
_You're always on my mind_  
_You're always on my mind_

 

It has been two months since he received the second call that changed his life, he remembers vividly how his father - distant man that had become- was somewhat emotional, a gun pointed to the head tends to make people speak the true, and what his father said to him, that he was sure he would never forget, he told him he loved him, he called him champ.

  
So many emotions in milliseconds and then a bang, he remembers shouting, and now he reprimands himself for that burst of feeling, of weakness, but at the moment he was screaming at his father, because no, he didn’t love him, not enough, not like Steve wanted him to love him; he shouted for his father, why now? Why at the last moment possible? Why say he loved him only to die? To never say it to his face; he raged at Hess, the bastard killed his father, robbed him of what small blessing he gave him. And finally, he hated himself, he should’ve known that his father loved him, even if it was difficult to comprehend.

  
Now he is in Hawaii, at first, he was going to stay just the necessary amount of time to avenge his father, this wasn’t his home anymore, and staying meant leaving behind the life he built for himself, the one he fought for. But he found something that made him stay, or rather someone.

  
Danny Williams, New Jersey native and professional Hawaii hater, was a puzzle he couldn’t solve at first glance, the man was a competent and capable detective, and a caring and loving father, that had left his beloved home to be with his daughter when he divorced his ex-wife. But there was something so unique about him, something that bothered Steve to no end, how could he be so irritating and alluring at the same time, waking up something -he thought as a phase that he outgrew with time and sever discipline - deep in his gut, what would his father think?

 

_And I never minded being on my own_  
_Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home_  
_To be where you are_  
_But even closer to you, you seem so very far_  
_And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing_  
_And I hope it gets to you on some_ pacific _wind_  
_Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear_  
_Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here_

 

He was beaten and at the verge of being broken, never had he felt so much despair that in the back of that truck that traveled through North-Korean territory, he hurt all over, his spirit threatened to leave him, he tried to escape with what energy he had left, but he had been caught, and now, that rush of adrenaline that got him up and running was dissipating, reminding him that he was only human and that he too had limits.

  
He thought of his father, of all the lies he told him to protect him, pondering if maybe this level of desolation was the one he felt when that phone was taken from him with a finality that trumped only the sound of the gunshot that killed him. He wondered if maybe he wished for more time, to undo the mistakes he did, or perhaps to repair the damage he inflicted on his kids, even if it was for their protection. He wondered if he were happy where he was, maybe all he wished for was to be reunited with his wife, to see his love once again.

  
He wishes for that, to be in Hawaii one last time, to see the sky, feel the water surround him, and hear Danny’s ranting voice even if one last time, he has battled with his feelings towards Danny, to pinpoint exactly what they are, they were so different from any other feelings or thoughts he has had, and that’s scary, but right now he doesn’t care to label it, he just wants Danny to appear and take him home.

 

  
_We all need something watching over us_  
_Be it the_ falcons _, the clouds or the crows_  
_And then the sea swept in and left us all speechless_  
_Speechless_

 

  
He woke up in a hospital bed, every inch of him covered in some kind of bandage or ointment, he heard a faint sound akin to snoring from his left side, so he turned his head with difficulty to look at the source of the noise. There, in a chair was Danny, sited in what must be an uncomfortable position, looking like hell, how long has he been here? Then he remembered Wo Fat captured him, he tortured him, he made him believe that his father….

  
A single tear rolled from his eyes, how could his mother protect that sick bastard, how could she prefer him over her own son? Because that was evident since that time she had him in front of her and she didn’t shoot, she let his father go on and assume, make theories that latter would get him killed. He remembers the talk they had, it felt so real, and only to find out it wasn’t, it was like losing him a second time, the sorrow in Danny’s eyes when he told him the truth was a reflection of his own bruised soul.

  
And after all that his partner went through to find him he still was beside him, watching over him, always ready to help him, he could have gone to rest on his bed, have Rachel let Grace be with him, to regroup and settle his worrying brain, but no, he knows Danny would never leave, and if he was honest he hopes he never would, even if it is selfish and unrealistic to want to have the monopoly on his partner, it has been a constant desire.

  
Dream Danny had been so friendly, so charismatic, that now he is sure he is going to have a hard time grasping the reality that he can’t have what he is mostly sure he wants, and with Catherine gone he can’t distract himself anymore, sure he loves her, but maybe, just maybe, he loves Danny more.

 

_And I never minded being on my own_  
_Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home_  
_To be where you are_  
_But even closer to you, you seem so very far_  
_And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing_  
_And I hope it gets to you on some_ pacific _wind_  
_Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear_  
_Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here_

 

Everyone had already left, and Danny was asleep per Doctor’s request, he stayed despite the nurses not so subtle attempts to make him go, he just couldn’t at the moment, he still remembered the sound of a gunshot, the smell of gunpowder in the recycled air, he still remembers the way Danny fell to the ground with a hole in his chest, he still feels the warmth of his hand as the pressure of his hold decreased as time passed by, or how his eyes lost that shine that drove Steve mad.

  
He still could remember how Danny’s blood looked flowing from his chest, or how his ribs felt without flesh and muscle under his finger, the life-shattering realization that those could’ve been the last memories he had of Danny, all that his partner was, all that Danny’s ever been passed his mind’s eye, all the life, the joy, the sorrow, all the love, was now bleeding to death and he was impotent to know he was useless, that he can only aid in a minuscule way, when in fact he would trade places with Danny in a heartbeat, but Danny is okay now, as fine as one can be when their shot on the chest.

  
He sat on the chair next to Danny’s bed, he couldn’t be apart from him, at least not tonight, tomorrow will be different, he would go back to work and to being Danny’s best friend, to watch Danny be in a relationship, and pretend his heart wasn’t being broken over and over, he will go back to faking he has a relationship, tomorrow he will be Commander McGarrett, but tonight sitting beside the love of his life he could finally understand his father, because if Danny …. If he hadn’t made it, then…

  
He cleaned the tears that fell from his eyes, he used to be stronger than this, he used to be fine, he had a life before Danny, but now that seems unfathomable, Danny’s children, their job, their friendship, their restaurant, their life, all was so intertwined he couldn’t recognize where one starts and the other ends, they had become much more than he ever imagined they would ever be, so much so that watching him lay there wounded made him feel like taking him in his arms and hold him, to reassure them both that they still had time.

  
But he couldn’t do that, because even if he was at arm’s length from his sleeping form, he was miles away of what he really wanted, he has been stranded in Danny’s heart while his partner searched for love in other lands, and never has he felt more alone in his life, so he leaned over Danny and kissed his forehead with all the love he let himself feel “I love you Danny, more than myself”

 

  
_Wish that you were here_  
_Wish that you were here_  
_Wish that you were here_  
_I wish that you..._

 

  
“Babe?” Danny’s voice brought him back from his daydreaming “did you like the song Grace picked for the first dance? She said that the chorus reminded her of us, but I told her I needed to discuss it with you, I mean we could always …” he interrupted his fiancé, he knew how much Danny hates being talked over, but if he overthinks this then all the emotions that had gathered in his heart while listening to the song will burst.

  
He took his hands in one of his, the other under his fiancé’s chin to make him look into his eyes “when I first came to the island I never planned to stay, I didn’t have a good reason, I already had a life of my own” he could see Danny’s confusion and a bit of panic on his eyes, after all these years, he still thinks of the worst case scenario, but there’s no need for that, leaving Danny was never an option.

  
“Then why?” his fiancé’s voice was a little shaky “because I met you” a pair of beautiful blue eyes rolled and a smile appeared on the face he loves “you sap, you know I already accepted to marry you Steve, no need to get your smooth out” he laughed because the banter will never end, but he needs to get this out, rarely he speaks about feelings, it was never his strong suit, and Danny knows that very well, he knows that Steve loves him to death, but sometimes he could sense that Danny wanted to hear it, not because he was doubting, but because that is the way his love works.

  
“Let me finish” he chuckled “we are going to grow old, and you’ll still be interrupting me” Danny made a face but let him continue. He sobered up “I thought, for the longest time, that I didn’t need someone by my side” he took a deep breath holding tighter to his lover’s hand “it never bothered me,” and that was painful to say, even if it was a long time ago, to think he didn’t care about this, about this possibility to be happy and in love.

  
“I always thought that I would be carrier Navy, be all that I could be, and then retire, or sometimes, when I was feeling down, or the mission was too rough, I thought that I would die in combat, I wasn’t anything special, I had lost so many brothers that way that it was a strong possibility” Danny’s eyes were misty, and he was hugged fiercely “you great idiot, you are special, you are everything” and he hugged him tighter, burying his face in soft blond hair.

  
“I never minded being alone Danny, if anything it was welcomed, that way no one would be hurt when I left, and…” this next line was hard to admit even to himself “and that way …no one would be able to leave me behind, to push me away, to stop loving me” a soft kiss landed on his cheek “I would never Steve, I could never stop loving you, even if I tried” and those words, that was why he would go through so much for this man.

  
He kissed him chastely “when I met you, something in me changed, you challenged not only me, but what I held as true for so long, you changed my mind, and when you stayed and helped me through all the mess that was my life … you changed my heart” the music had stopped long ago, and now he didn’t feel that bold, but he started this “after that I tried so hard to deny what I felt, old habits die hard I guess” he took a breath of fortifying air “but then it came a moment where I thought I had run out of time, and I couldn’t hold back any longer, to my surprise when I reached out to you I found you right beside me”

  
His face was grabbed by strong but gentle hands “I’ve always been by your side, we were just oblivious, but now we are not, and that’s what matters, not your emotional constipation or my tendencies to imagine the worst case scenario” they laughed because only they would be so fucked up, “and by the way babe, that was the most melodramatic way a person has ever said he likes a song selection” and just like that the mood lifted

  
“Me melodramatic? Danno, you forget your reaction when Charlie wrote that poem about Eddie? You almost…” he was interrupted yet again “yeah well Steve, what can I say, our kids are simply the best” he nuzzled his face and hugged him again, looking at the Adirondack chairs, where he last dreamt of his father, he wished he were here, if only to see his children be happy, but maybe he already knows they are.


End file.
